YEARDLEYSPAM '96 [5/5] The Annotated Yeardley Smith Filmography... [The Annotated Yeardley Smith Filmography] From: Raymond J Chen Date: Wed, 2 Nov 1994
Changes since previous edition: Abject Admirers Chris Baird and John Laviolette provided the entries for "Silence Like Glass" and "Ginger Ale Afternoon", respectively.
HTML-ised by Steve Hill, during site re-vamp - August 26, '97.
Yeardley earns one of Joe Bob Briggs Drive-In Academic Awards for her portrayal of Connie, the whiny newlywed. In this film, trucks and cars (get this) take on a life of their own and hold our heros hostage at a truck stop. Yeardley whines constantly. -- {rjc}
If you ever wondered, the movie was based on a short story of S. King's (Buchman?) called `Trucks'. -- {cjb}
| Accent: | [ ] None | [x] Southern | [ ] Affected | ||
| Hair: | [ ] Short | [x] Long | [ ] Straight | [x] Wavy | [ ] Bangs |
| Char.: | [ ] Helpless | [x] Annoying | [ ] Other: |
No you can not come in and watch!
AAIiiIIIhHHGGggIIIHHGggGGGAAAaAAAaAA!!!
Curtis! Is he dayd?
[Connie is at the steering wheel]
: No! The other way, the other way!
Oohhh..
: Jesus Christ, Honey!
You stop that Curtis! You know I can't drive when you shout at me!
[sarcastically]
When we get to that truck-stop everything will be all right,
oh yeah...
What are you doing?!
No you don't! They'll gang up on us and squash us!
Curtis! I'ma stuck down! I'm trapped! Owww.. Where are you going!?
Will you get me out of here! I'm caught in this god-damned seatbelt,
and I can't get.. // ..and squash us! Curtis, will you help meeeee!!
[Estevez starts cutting the seatbelt with the razor] Watch that thing
willya that thing looks sharp oh will you watch that thing! Hey, you're
not my Curtis, where is my Curtis? Oh shit I'm sick of this shit, you
god-damned asshole! Curtis will you help me; help meeee! Aieggghhh!
No you don't! You let some of those other big strong men go out and
get him.
What are you dooin'?
: There's a man lying hurt out there, Honey.
There's gonna be a man lying hurt in here if you don't quit this
foolishness.
: If it was your man out there, you'd want someone to go,
wouldn't you?
Well it ain't.
I hate anything with more than four legs.
This is one really, really, really, really, really, really bad movie. TNT shows it every few months. The horror! The horror! It's not even worth watching for the scene where we look up her skirt. (Although I must note that it is this movie which establishes my Yeardley number at three.) -- {rjc}
William B Morrell (bmorrell@nx10.mik.uky.edu) claims to have seen Yeardley in a movie about a girl with terminal cancer. ``Glass Cages'' was the best guess he could make as to a title.
The more sensitive YS fans might choose to avoid this one though, as she is threatened verbally and knocked unconscious with a drip bottle. (Yeardley makes two appearances during the movie; in one she's wearing a long light skirt and makes the mistake of walking in front of a bright light source...) -- {cjb}
Accent: [ ] None [0.5] Southern [ ] Affected
Hair: [ ] Short [x] Long
[x] Straight [ ] Wavy [ ] Bangs
[x] Snood (for one of the scenes)
Char.: [ ] Helpless [x] Annoying [ ] Other: ____________
Three mischievous boys find themselves continually in trouble with the priests running their Catholic high school, set in mid 1960's Brooklyn.
Yeardley plays a role as her usual stereotype of a mousy debutante in a nearby girls school.
About mid-way through the movie after a social/prom/dance attended by the two schools, a friend sets her up with a blind date (a fat geeky bloke wearing glasses) and is brought along for a drive. With the car parked half-way across a bridge, the two are left alone in the back seat while her friend and friend's boyfriend leave for a more private location. Cathleen (YS) throws herself upon the geek, but is interrupted a few minutes later by the bridge swinging open for an approaching tug-boat and terror ensues as the car almost falls into the water.
The movie was made around eight years ago and also stars Donald Sutherland, Patrick Dempsey, plus a few others who look familiar but I can't recall the names for. I started watching the movie about 30 minutes after it had started, and I recognized her immediately when Cathleen sighed while sitting alone during the dance. I'd also like to mention that Yeardley had long hair :) -- {cjb}
Accent: [x] None [ ] Southern [ ] Affected
Hair: [ ] Short [x] Long
[x] Straight [ ] Wavy [ ] Bangs
Char.: [x] Helpless [ ] Annoying [ ] Other: ____________
Yeardley is a must-see in this, at least, for those of us in the early 20s' age-bracket. :) -- {cjb}
Full agreement here. Absolutely stunning. Who'd'a thought Yeardley would be in a movie where she was the tall, cute one. -- {rjc}
: Look at thooose tits. I think they're gross. : That's 'cause you don't have any. What a (??) makes you think I want to look like that?! Can I come Billy Jean? IPolice stations! : I thought you were grounded-- I am! He won't bring it back.. : How do you know. 'Cause he's a /fucker/, that's how I know. I'm gonna be grounded until I'm thirty-five years old. I can't stay here without you, I'll just die! But I love miniature golf! Byae Bye! I'm a hungry outlaw. Where's breakfast? What's with them..? You'll see -- they'll give us play-money. Holy shit! I love it! We're everywhere! You've got it, Bud. AAAIIiiiiIIIIIihHHHHGGGGggggiIiIIIIHHHGGGgggGGgGGGHAAAAAAaAAaAAAaaAAAAA!!!!!!! When can I get a diaphram?
I found it kinda nutty to see Yeardley in it. -- {bs}
Another YS must-see. I'm relieved to see that YS didn't /really/ sever her hair at the end of TLoBJ.. In a later scene the front was trimmed and scruffed up a bit, but the length of it was hidden into the neck of her jacket. -- {cjb}
She played a high school student. -- {bk}
Her small part appears at the very beginning and very end of the movie. {gl}
``The opening pair deals with a daughter revealing an uncomfortable truth to her Father (``Fer de Lance''), and a screen writer enduring fatuous criticism from his producer (``The Hour Glass''). The longer, post-intermission piece draws two cynical Florida detectives into the maze of a murder investigation centered on a pair of teen-agers present at the discovery of a headless and handless corpse ... Each play ultimately deals with the question of personal identity ... The lone actress is the distinctive Yeardley Smith with the squeaky voice (she played the nerdish plump outcast in Wendkos' ``Boys and Girls/Men and Women'' at the Odyssey and here she's a discontented daughter and an earthy swamp tramp).'' -- Ray Loynd, Los Angeles Times, 25-Dec-1987.
Director Gina Wendkos.
I just don't understand how anyone could be as sick as you are. I just don't get it. Hi hi! Righty-oh, and right on time!
[The following annotation provided courtesy of John Laviolette, talysman@psyber.com.]
Jesse and Hank Mickers, trailerpark denizens, are fighting; at first, it seems the issue is Jesse's pregnancy or Hank's unemployment, but it is eventually revealed that Hank has been unfaithful.
The object of Hank's desires is a young mousey woman named Bonnie Cleator [yes, Yeardley Smith is the Other Woman!] Hank walks away from his argument, supposedly to get the laundry, but turns to Bonnie again. He tells her that Jesse knows.
Bonnie leaves Hank sleeping in her beat-up bus and confronts Jesse, saying she loves Hank, but that Hank would easily give Bonnie up if Jesse made him feel loved again.
Hank and Jesse reconcile, with Hank unaware of Bonnie and Jesse's conversation. While becoming passionate, Jesse goes into labor; Hank can't get the truck started, but Bonnie comes to the rescue and drives them to the hospital while the soundtrack plays blues.
Accent: [ ] None [x] Southern [ ] Affected
Hair: [ ] Short [x] Long (plus "topknot")
[x] Straight [ ] Wavy [x] Bangs
Char.: [ ] Helpless [ ] Annoying [x] Other: coy, lonely
Clothing: pink tubetop w/ ruffles, blue shorts, white socks,
sneakers, big purple plastic bracelet, gold heart
earrings. Later, floppy tie-die blouse.
% [first three scenes (about 30 minutes) deleted.]
% Bonnie's beat-up bus. A phoney traffic sign on the left
% reads "Speed Limit 8 MPH". Bonnie is listening to the
% radio [song is Willie Dixon, "Wiggling Worm"] and coloring
% eggs.
% Hank enters from left.
Hank: Little late for Easter, aren't you?
Bonnie: [somewhat seductive] It ain't for a holiday.
It's just for my own fun.
% CU Bonnie painting egg. Her fingernails are painted
% white with black polkadots.
Bonnie: You got time to come in?
Hank: [not hearing her at first] What?
Bonnie: Something wrong?
% Hank doesn't answer. Bonnie winks at him and enters
% the bus. After a while, Hank follows her.
% Inside the bus. Hank and Bonnie look at each other
% lustily. Hank grabs Bonnie by the front of her shorts
% and pulls her close for a kiss; Bonnie blows a bubble
% with her gum, and Hank bites it. They laugh and kiss.
% He pulls her into his arms, and she wraps her legs around
% him.
% After letting each other go, Bonnie pulls off her top.
% Medium closeup of Bonnie's head and shoulders. Hank
% sighs. [boring stuff deleted; in summary, they cuddle
% for a while, Hank tells Bonnie that Jesse knows, asks
% to sleep a while, and Bonnie leaves.]
% Jesse's trailer. Bonnie knocks.
Jesse: [looking suspiciously at Bonnie] What?
Bonnie: Can I come in?
Jesse: He ain't here. Don't know where he is.
Bonnie: We both know where he is. Please, can
I come in?
Jesse: What do you want, hunh? I ain't the kind
of entertainer my husband is.
Bonnie: I just wanna talk. Please, can I come in?
Jesse: Yes. For a minute. Baby's got me tired
today.
% Bonnie enters, leans against wall beside door.
Bonnie: I've never been pregnant.
Jesse: Ain't much of my business, now, is it?
Bonnie: Must you hate me quite so much?
Jesse: Oh, girl, you got more nerve than all
the sky put together.
Bonnie: I love him, too.
Jesse: Oh, ain't THAT a dandy piece of information.
Bonnie: Please don't be holy right now, Ms. Mickers.
This is hard for me.
Jesse: Well, it ain't hard for you to hold my
husband in your arms, and it ain't hard for
my husband to whisper his sweetness to you,
so don't be asking for my kindness, when
all you deserve is my ugliness.
Bonnie: What does Hank deserve?
Jesse: What? Are you another one who thinks he's
some kind of hero for givin' some girl
pleasure?
Bonnie: I ain't some girl. Look, I know I don't
have the Lord's right to havin' any of
Hank, but if it ain't love you're feelin'
anymore, and maybe just some kinda habit
for your husband, then I'd like to ask God
for the courage to let me beg you to let
him go.
% [stuff deleted]
% ...
Jesse: What's it going to do if I tell you?
[that she loves Hank...jcl]
Bonnie: It's going to get me to tell you what keeps
him coming to my house. And why I let him
call out your name when he's making love
to me.
Jesse: [reluctant] Yeah. I love him. I love
MY husband. [she sits on the couch.]
Bonnie: [also sitting] He doesn't come for my
lovemaking. I ain't even experienced or
pretty enough for a man like Hank to find
interest in me. He likes how I look at
him. That's all, Ms. Mickers, I swear I
think that's all. He can see it in my
eyes, how I'm feelin' about him. And by
seeing it in my eyes, he can see it in
his own. Even if it's just for those few
seconds. He can feel strong, see himself
like a woman in love sees him.
Jesse: Why do you love him?
Bonnie: Because that's how he makes me feel, too.
When Hank's at my house, I feel beautiful.
When he leaves, I stop feeling that way.
Pretty girls like you probably always feel
pretty. Maybe you don't have the same
needs as me. But I tell you, Hank has
that need. And if you don't let me give
it to him, then you better start lookin'
at him that way or his visitin' won't stop.
% [rest of scene deleted; in summary, Jesse discovers
% how to get her man back, and Bonnie tells Jesse
% not to let Hank know the two of them met.]
% [Hank and Jesse make up; scene deleted. Jesse goes
% into labor, but the truck won't work. Bonnie
% offers to drive.]
% On the road. Bonnie is driving, Jesse is having
% labor pains. Hank is comforting Jesse, but is
% otherwise ineffectual.
Bonnie: Breathe deep and think hard!
Jesse: Of what?
Bonnie: Anything other than the pain.
Jesse: How about vanilla pudding? Will that do?
Bonnie: Is that what you really want?
Jesse: [laughing] Yeah! That's what I really
want!
Bonnie: OK, then. With every jab in your belly,
think vanilla!
% Jesse starts shouting "Vanilla!" over and over. Soon,
% Hank joins in, then Bonnie. The soundtrack plays
% Willie Dixon, "Good Understanding". The End.
Good dialogue, OK acting from Andersen and Johnson, great acting from Yeardley Smith. But the script is bad; Gina Wendkos, the screenwriter, adapted her own stageplay, but you can tell it was originally a stageplay. There is no plot movement until about thirty minutes into the film. The second scene goes on FOREVER.
There are a total of nine scenes in 88 minutes of running time; compare that to an average of six scenes in an episode of "Herman's Head," or 18-20 scenes in a typical 90-minute movie!
The role of Bonnie Cleator stands out in the film so much that you wonder why it's a supporting role. This seems typical of Wendkos; in a review of her stageplay "Boys and Girls/Men and Women" (LA Times, 4 Sept 1987,) Sylvie Drake writes: "If we're still chuckling over [Yeardley] Smith's factory-siren nasal intonations as the smart-alecky Esther, it's only because Wendkos (in a role that seems suspiciously autobiographical) has given her the play's funniest lines."
Overall grade: C-
Yeardley Smith's performance: A-
-- {jcl}
As reported by Jill Leslie Goodall (jg5k+@andrew.cmu.edu):
She played a girl who escaped from juvenille hall, Bonita 'the Keke'; Wokekee(sp?). She was in juvenille hall because she burned down her high school when she didn't get elected Prom queen. She was the toughest person at juvenille hall.
She had on a long, frizzy brown wig and the way she talked reminded me a little of when Lisa was imitating Marge's southern accent in "A Streetcar Named Marge".
Needless to say, it was quite a switch from the charcters Yeardly plays now. I can't picture Lisa threatening to give someone a 'tongue-ectomy' like Bonita did.
Accent: [ ] None [x] Southern [ ] Affected
Hair: [ ] Short [x] Long
[?] Straight [?] Wavy [?] Bangs
Char.: [ ] Helpless [ ] Annoying [x] Other: _Scary______
As a member of a rival college debating team 36 minutes and 44 seconds into the movie, and appears for a whole _4_ seconds, yet is given a credit at the start of the movie.
-- Chris Baird
Accent: [ ] None [ ] Southern [ ] Affected
N/A -- Non-speaking role. `Tutti Frutti' is dubbed
over as she stands at the podium.
Hair: [ ] Short [x] Long
[?] Straight [?] Wavy [?] Bangs
Char.: [ ] Helpless [ ] Annoying [ ] Other: ____________
Miles Silverberg, the high-strung executive producer of FYI, takes a vacation, during which an international crisis erupts: A distraught American fighter pilot has stolen a jet armed with nuclear missiles.
Miles' problems build one atop the next. For starters, he's not at the office during a crisis. Next, he's trapped in the airport. What's more, he's trapped in the airport with a young woman (YS) who has developed a major crush on him. Then it turns out that the fighter pilot has decided to land the jet at the airport he's stuck in.
Miles manages to overcome all of his problems. Well, almost all of them.
Accent: [x] None [ ] Southern [ ] Affected
Hair: [ ] Short [x] Long
[ ] Straight [x] Wavy [ ] Bangs
Char.: [ ] Helpless [x] Annoying [ ] Other: ____________
% In the airport. Miles is on the phone to Murphy.
Phoebe: [approaches with some lotion]
Here, let me put some more cream on that nose.
[does so, then leaves]
Miles: [to phone] I'm in hell!
% ...
%
% Later, still on the phone, Miles spots something and wants
% to investigate.
Miles: [handing phone to Phoebe] Do *not* hang up.
Phoebe: [to phone] Hi, is this really Murphy Brown?
I'm Phoebe Cramer.
I *love* you, Murphy!
You know, I saw you on TV once wearing this burgundy
sweater with the buttonholes on the shoulder?
Do you have problems with the buttonholes unravalling?
% Miles returns and takes the phone to report what he's seen.
% Phoebe looks out the window.
Phoebe: Wow, where did all those tanks come from?
% ...
%
% The airport is being evacuated. Miles remains on the phone.
% Phoebe enters.
Phoebe: They're boarding my flight. I could stay with you...?
Miles: [quickly] No! ... I mean... Thanks anyway, Phoebe,
but it's too dangerous. I can't allow the risks that
I take in my line of work to risk innocent people.
Phoebe: My dear, sweet, brave Miles. Always thinking of others.
Even if it means having to face this alone.
Just think, Miles. [steps close to him]
I could be the last woman you ever seen.
Miles: [stunned mild disgust]
Phoebe: Good-bye, Miles. [closes her eyes, expecting a kiss]
Miles: [realizing she isn't going to leave until he kisses her,
he looks around to make sure nobody's watching, then
gives her a peck on the forehead]
Phoebe: [touches her forehead, huge smile]
Oh, it's better than I ever dreamed! [leaves]
Yeardley is downright adorable. And remember, it ain't over until the fat lady sings. (Except for the `fat' part.) -- {rjc}
Yeardley Smith played a young Roseanne Barr, but her scene ended up on the editing room floor. (How they planned to explain the voice still eludes me.)
The following bit-capsule is rated PG, courtesy of Chris Baird.
% It's Mitch's (Billy Crystal) 39th birthday party.
%
% Phil (Daniel Stern, husband to a really butt-ugly bitch (Arlene),
% whose father-in-law is his boss. ``[sotto voce] I'm telling ya,
% they've got me by the balls. She's got one, he's got the other.'')
% and Ed (Bruno Kirby) give Mitch a present -- a vacation driving
% cattle (``What? In a truck?'') from New Mexico to Colorado. They
% show him the brochure, and remind him of their days playing cowboys
% when they where kids. Mitch declines, saying he's already made
% plans to visit Barbara's (his wife) parents in Florida. Phil and Ed
% are (understatement) disappointed -- they saved up for a year to go
% on this trip. (``What?! Are you /sick/?'').
Doorbell: [ding dong]
Mitch: [relieved at being able to change the subject] Who is that?
I know nine people, and they're all here. 'Scuse me.
[Mitch gets up from his chair and moves into the hallway.
Barbara answers the door]
Barbara: Hi.
Nancy: Is Mr. Phil Berquist here?
% Guess who... :) PANIC flashes across Phil's face. A short, dumpy
% young lady enters the apartment; still in a red utility apron, short
% hair, a red and grey striped shirt, cheap sneakers.
% [dumpy light pink slacks, short hair.]
Barbara: Can I get you some...
Nancy: [walks in right past Barbara]
Barbara: ...thing...
Nancy: [confused, frightened] Mr. Berquist, you housekeeper told me
where you were; I'm in trouble! [meets up with Phil in the
middle of the room]
Phil: [panicky] W-w-w-what are you doing here Nancy?!?!?! Who's on
register nine?!
Nancy: I don't know what to do!..
Mitch: [appears with a snack tray, smiling] Vermontee? (?sp)
Phil: [grabs Nancy by the shoulders] I don't think this is the time or
the place to talk about this!!
Nancy: I'm late!
Phil: What?
Nancy: I missed my period!
Mitch: Whoops.
Phil: /WHAT!/
% Phil and Nancy instantly become the centre of attention for everyone
% at the party. Phil's predatory wife starts to move. A change of
% camera angle to looking straight at Nancy.
Nancy: I was at work and on my break and I took one of those home
pregnancy tests from aisle 11... [view swaps to Phil, who by
the look on his face is about to freak out]
Phil: The ones on special?
Nancy: Yes! And it came up .
Arlene: [viciously] Why is she telling you this, PHIL.
Phil: Because I-I-I-I'm her boss! A-And w-we had a health plan!
Arlene: Son of a Bitch; you screwed this little girl in my father's
store! [Phil attempts to back away from her]
Phil: [falsetto] No No No!!
Nancy: [indignant] It was in his car!
Phil: Oh Jesus.
Nancy: [indignant] And I'm not a little girl; I'm twenty.
% Arlene targets Nancy.
Arlene: Get out of this house, you little whore.
Phil: Hey! I will not permit you to talk to her that way!
Arlene: [quietly] Fine.
Phil: [shocked that Arlene actually agreed]
Arlene: I'll tell my father what you did!
Phil: No! Do not call Mr. Levine! Hey! Put down that phone!
[Mitch moves in as they fight over the telephone. Phil rips it
from the wall]
Mitch: That's my phone!
Arlene: You're CRAZY!
Phil: That's right! Not having sex for twelve years will do that to
a person!
% With Mitch caught in the middle, they fight over the telephone.
Mitch: [struggling for the phone]
Why don't you stop it... not in front of your friends...
Arlene: I'm not afraid of you!
% Arlene smashes Phil's hand with the handset...
Phil: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
Arlene: I'll call from the bedroom!
% ... and takes off for the
% bedroom, past Nancy, looking for another phone. Everyone at the
% party waits it out.
Phil: The bedroom!? How the hell would you know where the bedroom is!?!
Arlene: I'm call-ing!
Phil: Go ahead! Call him, I'm sure he's home. It's his night to be
with the other escaped Nazis!
Arlene: [roars] I hate you!
Phil: [bending his knees as he yells] I hate you more!!
If hate were people, I'd be China!
% Phil stops and looks to everyone (Nancy is in the foreground)
% standing around staring. Mitch plays host again.
Mitch: Let's bring out the cake!
(It beats me how they expected to pass off the then 27yo YS as
almost a teenager. Maybe those blue eyes.)
[Probably her squeaky voice and the fact that she can look absolutely
fetching yet dumpy. But twenty is definitely pushing the limit. --rjc]
Yeardley plays Louise Fitzer, the weird but adorable secretary/receptionist. The character has an equally weird but adorable family. (Led by the weird but adorable Elinor Donahue.) Louise's sister Martha is played by Christine Cavanaugh, another actress better-known for her cartoon voice characterizations.
The show also features Hank Azaria and occasionally makes tips o' the hat to `The Simpsons'.
``And I thoughtfamily was dysfunctional.'' ``Herman, do you think I sound like that character Lisa Simpson?'' ``No, not at all.'' The four parts of Herman's head do a simultaneous `D'oh!'. As a form of retaliation, Lisa Simpson giggles at a joke she heard on Herman's Head.
Accent: [x] None [ ] Southern [ ] Affected
Hair: [x] Short [ ] Long
[ ] Straight [ ] Wavy [x] Bangs
Char.: [ ] Helpless [ ] Annoying [x] Other: _Weird______
Wearing a custom-made dress that cost ``a fortune'', Yeardley Smith and William Ragsdale read some truly awful prepared material before reading off a list of awards.
Cecilia is a young girl (ten-ish) who, with her friends, manages to team up with a bunch of dinosaurs for some reason or other, I don't remember exactly what.
A Spielberg animated feature released directly to video.
``Charley (David Leisure) takes a stab at stand-up, and his best jokes skewer Harry. Meanwhile, Laverne befriends the neighborhood eccentric. Bobcat Goldthwait has a cameo. Sally: Yeardley Smith.''
Yeardley's character is homeless, helpless, and harmless.
Note that for this role, she wore a wig of short black hair. (Either that, or she paid a visit to Miss Clairol.)
% [Boring parts have been removed.]
%
% Sally comes bouncing into the Canal Street Clinic.
Sally: Hey! Bubble wrap! I got bubble wrap here!
[hands it out] Here ya go.
[to Laverne] Want some bubble wrap, Laverne?
Laverne: Oh sure, Sally. I'll take me a pop or two. [pops the bubble wrap]
Sally: How about a Jell-o sculpture of Arizona?
[produces a jar of red liquid]
Oh. It kind of melted.
Laverne: Well, it's hot in Arizona.
Sally: Any mail for me today? Did I get any mail?
Laverne: Nothing for you, dear. Sorry.
Sally: Well, `sorry' doesn't fill my mailbox.
Laverne: Sally, dear, who you expecting a letter from?
Sally: My best friend.
Laverne: Oh? Who's your best friend?
Sally: How do I know? I haven't gotten the letter yet.
Did you check the postage-due section?
Laverne: [opens her drawer] Nothin'.
Sally: [sigh] Oh-kay. Well, that's it. No mail for Sally.
[inspiration] I'm going to go yell at cars! [rushes out]
% The next day...
Sally: [coming in] Anybody want a toothpick from Willy's Diner?
[hands one out] Mint-flavored, only used once.
[to Laverne] Here, Laverne, have a handful.
Laverne: [accepts them] Thanks, Sally.
Sally: Well, I'll just pick up my mail and be on my way.
Dr. Douglas: Uh, Sally, honey, listen to me, dear.
This is not a post office.
Sally: [sarcastic] Yeah, and parking meters don't eat toast.
Woman: [to Laverne] Hey, you got change for the bus?
Dr. Douglas: [explodes] No she does not! This is not a bank!
This is not a post office! This is a medical clinic!
Sally: Uh-oh... Disgruntled postal worker...
Hit the deck! [falls slowly and unconvincingly to the floor]
% [Boring stuff deleted. In summary, Laverne feels sorry for Sally,
% so she pretends to be the anonymous friend and sends her a letter.]
%
% The next day...
Sally: Yoo-hoo.
Dr. Douglas: Oh, morning, Sally.
Sally: Morning. Hey, do you have any change-of-address forms?
Dr. Douglas: Are you moving?
Sally: No. I'm just changing a dress. [starts undoing her dress]
% Laverne and Dr. Douglas try to stop her.
Sally: [laughing] Postal joke!
% [More boring stuff deleted. In summary, Laverne can't keep up
% with Sally's frantic letter-writing pace.]
%
% The next day...
Laverne: Your friend isn't going to be able to write you any more.
Sally: Why not?
Laverne: [trying to wing it] Well, she's um... she's...
Sally: Been kidnapped by aliens?
Laverne: [sure why not] Okay.
Sally: Space or illegal?
Laverne: Space.
Sally: Damn! they always take the nice ones!
% [More boring stuff deleted. In summary, Laverne and Sally become
% friends. But not enough friends that we'll see Sally again...]
li>Fan club checklist
Accent: [ ] None [x] Southern [ ] Affected
Hair: [x] Short [ ] Long
[x] Straight [ ] Wavy [ ] Bangs
Char.: [x] Helpless [x] Annoying [x] Other: _Weird______
Not worth watching. -- {rjc}