[Interview: Denton] From: Peter Petroff Date: Sat, 15 Jul 1995
This is from an episode of "Denton" a variety, chat-type show (hard to explain) hosted by Andrew Denton. The man is mad, but it's a funny kind of mad. When failed business entrepreneur Christopher Skase made off to Spain (with lots of money that wasn't his), it was Andrew Denton who started a nationwide campaign to hire a US bounty hunter. Sadly enough, it didn't work. But this is an (unauthorised) transcript (well, I'm making no money out of it) of Yeardley Smith's appearance. It's not letter perfect for various reasons (some lost due to excessive laughter, some were meaningless stumbles I've edited out - and all the [comments] are descriptions or my personal comments) - but please enjoy.
Andrew Denton (AD) is sitting at the interview table, reading a "Woman's Day" magazine, dressed as a giant metal rat (no, really, tail and head and paws and everything. It's a long story, it makes sense if you saw the context). A harpist plays in the background (new addition to the set). AD puts down the magazine, lifts the rat's head (like a knight's helmet faceplate) and speaks.
AD: Welcome back, and if you've just tuned in... don't even bother asking. Now, I have to admit that my favourite TV show is "The Simpsons" as shown on Channel Ten [ignore a couple of spontaneous "woohoo's" from the audience], and our next guest, well, she is the voice of the most philosophical eight- year old in the world, that's right, Lisa Simpson. Here's a sample of her work.
[cut to clip]
Homer: Lisa, you like homework, could you fill out this form for me? Lisa: Well, alright. If you listen to the poem I just wrote.
H: D'oh! Oh, okay.
L: Meditations on turning eight, by Lisa Simpson. I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died. Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied. Why oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? I had a hamster named Snuffy, she di-
H: No deal.[cut to AD]
AD: Fabulous stuff, please welcome the voice of Lisa Simpson, Yeardley Smith.
[YS comes out, and I kid you not, the crowd goes wild. She does a small curtsey as AD takes her hand and kisses it { D'oh! Not fair! Not fair! Denton's on my hit list! AARGH! :) }. YS acknowledges the crowd, says "thank you", sits down. After a PARTICULARLY loud scream, YS looks incredulous and says "Come on!" Crowd reaction continues. And continues. And continues. And continues. Finally, the crowd settles down.]
AD: Will you please thank Yeardley Smith.
[She gets up to leave]
YS: Thank you, it was lovely. Bye. See you.
AD: No, no, no! Stay, please, don't go, don't go. Are you a believer in the Orient, in the mystic... [AD did a piece earlier on Feng Shui (look it up), remodelling his whole set... it's hard to explain. In Australian slang, AD took the piss out of Feng Shui like nothing you'd believe. Sorry, Americans, but this man is way funnier than Letterman :) ]
YS: Ah, no, not really, I guess.
AD: Oh. Well, we've gone to a lot of trouble for nothing.
YS: But you do look pretty good. [she giggles]
AD: It's great when you do that [crowd laughs]. Now, "Yeardley Smith". What kind of a name is "Smith"?
[crowd and YS laugh]
YS: You know, you're the second person today to do that joke? Sorry.
AD: Oh no, goddamnit. Who was the other one, it was Derryn Hinch, wasn't it? [even if I COULD explain Derryn Hinch, I'm not sure I would; another TV personality; crowd laughs] What kind of a name is "Yeardley"?
YS: It's my father's middle name.
AD: ... What, he couldn't think of a girl's name? [insert crowd laughs and YS giggles where appropriate, okay?]
YS: Actually, my full name is Martha Maria Yeardley and they called me Maria for about two weeks, and then my father said "well that's crap, let's call her Yeardley". So, end of story. Oh listen, I have a present for you.
AD: Oh, you shouldn't have. What?
YS: Yes, I found this (reaching into a purse).
>AD: What?
YS: It goes in the engine of your car [she hands a small packet to AD].
AD: Yes... I- Vegemite?
[someone else care to explain to those who don't know? It's a yeast extract, considered a delicacy (snicker snort, ha ha) in Australia; REALLY dark brown and really, really salty; well, I kinda like it. Good on sandwiches and as a spread]
YS: Yeah! I've tasted it, and I'm sure it goes in the engine of your car. So I thought you might be running low.
AD: Um, don't you understand, this is a sexual lubricant?
YS: Oh! Why didn't anybody tell me? It's not on the box!
AD: No, this is kind of an edible condom.
YS: Oh, right!
AD: Yeah, oh, it can improve your sex life
YS: Does it come in other flavours?
AD: Uh, yeah, sort of Marmite. [different brand name for the same kind of stuff] What do you think of the taste of it?
AD: Oh, I love it when you do that [Denton, you crawler. Although I agree :) ]. Now... is it a drag having Lisa Simpson's voice?
YS: No, it's great, really. I'm so glad to be associated with a show that I can actually hold my head up about. You know, I don't have to apologise, sorry, sorry, yeah, I'm on that show, sorry. Which happens, sometimes.
AD: I do know that feeling, I must admit. But for instance, is having the voice of an eight year old girl - because you don't sound remarkably dissimilar, is it hard, for instance, to sound seductive when you sound like an eight year old girl?
YS: Actually, you wouldn't believe how many people have come up to me and said "This is my fantasy, to be in bed with Lisa Simpson and have her say `Oh, more, more, more'." What is the MATTER with you people? This is SICK! But listen, let's not talk about me, let's talk about you.
AD: No no no...
YS: Please, I've been doing interviews all day, please let's talk about you, pleeease.
AD: No, no, no, well, okay, well [sidestepping the issue]... what sort of... what are the dumb questions you've been fielding?
YS: Let's see, well, "what's my favourite episode" - they're not dumb, it's just that I'm tired of them -
AD: Tired of them -
YS: Yeah, a hundred times...
AD: I'll ask you some really tricky ones.
YS: Alright then.
AD: Okay. In 1942, Norway was - [laughter everywhere]
AD: You know how people come to resemble their pets, do any of you guys come to resemble the characters on "The Simpsons"?
YS: Oh, I think so. Actually, the animators come to the recording sessions and they put in our physical mannerisms sometimes, so if you're watching the show, do-de-do - oh my God, I DO that! You know, that's my gesture.
AD: Well, what sort of - give me an example?
YS: Well, there's a way that Lisa, sometimes when she's trying to be very suave, she does this with her hair (YS flicks her hand through her fringe) and I've noticed that sometimes I've done this when I feel nervous.
AD: Are you ever tempted to make prank calls using Lisa Simpson's voice?
YS: I'd never get away with it, are you kidding!?
AD: Why not!?
YS: Because they know where I work! They'd just come after me! In fact, they do it anyway, I call up and order anything, mail order? They say "hey! It's you!"
AD: "The Simpsons" stirs up a lot of responses, even George Bush, who's dead now, I believe [I know, I know, so does Andrew Denton, don't bother], he said the Simpsons were a bad role-model. It must be exciting to work on a show which stirs up the President.
YS: Yes it is, it's exciting to work on a show that stirs up ANYBODY. Very often you do something and people just sort of sit there; if you can actually get them to write in, then you must be doing SOMETHING right, or something that they don't like, which is also very exciting.
AD: But, when the PRESIDENT of the United States of America, I mean, that's nearly as important as Ivana Trump... like, when HE'S got something to say, that must be really like "woohoo!"
YS: Yes, well, actually, we -
AD: I just went "woohoo!", I can't believe it.
[Many crowd "woohoo"s begin]YS: The comment that he made was that America neeed more families like "The Waltons" and less like "The Simpsons" and actually, if he'd ever watched the show [chuckle] that the Simpsons are really a very good family, and just for saying that, we were going to lampoon him for the rest of his dear life, so... [giggle]
AD: It's very hard to lampoon George Bush, he has no distinguishing characteristics whatsoever.
YS: No, we can't find any, he's sort of noodly like that...
AD: Sort of what?
YS: Noodly. When somebody's a noodle? When somebody's a wet noodle and they kind of don't take a stand on anything, they're sort of wishy-washy and they're sort of like... fine, we'll leave it at that.
AD: Your culture is so FASCINATING...
YS: You know what I have to say about your culture? You have an obsession with cutlery. It's really, really funny. I'll be having a meal, I'll set my fork down, somebody whisks it away and gives me a clean one. I have a two course meal, I have nine or ten utensils. It's fascinating.
AD: Well, that's because you come from America, where the only cutlery is McDonald's hands, you know?
YS: Fair enough. [personal note: God, I love that giggle]
AD: Now, I heard a radio interview with you earlier this week, where you talked about your fantastic movie career.
YS: Oh, shyeah. [well I don't know, how do YOU spell it?] Shall I tell you about my last audition?
AD: Please.
YS: I had this audition last week where the description of the character is a wiry young girl with curly blonde hair and dark brown eyes [she stares wide eyed with a sarcastic expression straight at the camera - she does NOT have curly blonde hair or brown eyes, trust me]. So I called my agent and I said "do they know what I look like? Do they know who I am?" "Oh yes, can't wait to see you, they're hanging on the edge of their chairs." Fine, fine, so I go in a couple of days later; I walk on and they say "who are you reading for?" and I say "Ethel" and they say "Oh really?" Like - oh, great. So I start to do the scene which is very short and I'm doing all sorts of things that I think are really VERY funny and of course NOBODY'S laughing... and I finish and the director says "Thank you SO MUCH, that was SO FUNNY, that was SO GREAT", and I'm thinking "listen buddy, I've been doing this a LONG time and I KNOW that means I DIDN'T GET THE JOB!" And I didn't. So that's my film career lately.
AD: So, if you'd got the job, they would have told you to go away?
YS: No, it's true. If you got the job, they sort of go "thank you. Thank you for coming." They sort of look at you very hard, size you up. But any time they give you effusive compliments, you know it's over.
AD: They're probably trying to figure out why you didn't have yellow skin and spiky hair...
YS: Well, probably. Or else they feel so badly that they've brought you in and they knew right off the bat that you weren't right for it.
AD: Yeah, so they let you go through that agony. Great business, show business, isn't it?
YS: I know, isn't it? Survival of the fittest, I think.
AD: Uh, yeah... right, okay, I'm in no position to talk... now, you're in Australia thanks to the Comic Art Gallery in Melbourne...
YS: That's right, I'm appearing at the Comic Art Gallery in Melbourne -
AD: This bit is the plug.
YS: Yeah, this is the plug [direct to camera]. I'm going to be there Saturday and Sunday, signing Simpsons animation cels. So please come, it's really a great exhibit, if you're going to be around or near or, you know? Just - come.
AD: Yeah. And to all those people watching in Perth and Brisbane and Darwin tonight [other capital cities and I live in Brisbane, damnit!], you're welcome any time down there in Melbourne. Yeardley, it's been a pleasure to meet you, you're so scrummy [well damnit, he got that bit right :)]. You can have your vegemite back.
YS: Oh, you're too kind.
AD: This noxious, toxic stuff.
YS: It's not for the car? Oh no, it's the sexual thing.
AD: Sexual thing, that's right. You've learnt something tonight you didn't expect to learn.
YS: Thank you so much.
AD: Yeardley Smith, ladies and gentlemen.
[crowd goes seriously, seriously wild again. Cool, Yeardley Smith deserves it anyway. No personal bias towards Yeardley Smith is to be inferred here. Ask me and I'll freely admit it :)]
This comes from the PC of Peter "Troff" Petroff. It's difficult to explain.
P.